I posted my resolutions the other day and one of those resolutions is to work on communication with Matt. I think that we have been together for so long that sometimes we take each other for granted or THINK we can finish each other's sentences, but we have both changed a lot over the years, so that isn't always true. Since we've been out of the whole Bertha situation, (for those who do not know, we cared for his grandmother with Alzheimer's for two years, right after we were married,) we've been doing much better than we were during those days. The only thing is, I think we are having a hard time with communicating on some big issues that we might not see eye to eye on.
So, I wrote that marriage isn't easy. I received six emails about that one sentence. (although, I wish people would leave comments instead! Ha ha. I want it to look like people actually read this! :-) ) Three people wrote that marriage comes very easily to them. Three wrote that marriage is much harder than they thought it would be.
I just read
yesterday's Dooce and she posted about whether motherhood or marriage is harder - and obviously I have no way of comparing that, but I wonder if some people are just wired to be better at motherhood or better at marriage. There is a huge discussion going under that post that I found really interesting. I don't have kids, and I fully expect to have the wind knocked out of me by how overwhelming it will be - if it ever happens- but at the same time, I feel like the relationship I have with my kid is going to just come naturally. I know babysitting is not even close to a glimpse of parenthood, but I remember getting frustrated with the crying and not being able to help her for a while. But even though she's not my baby, I was driven by her dependence and inability to take care of herself. It is my job to figure out what she needs. When Matt is frustrating me, it's usually something that I cannot control.
I remember feeling kind of shocked when I discovered that not everyone is as tolerant of babies as I am. I am not bothered by a kid who is grabbing everything at the grocery store. I feel empathy for the screaming baby on an airplane. Seriously, I do.
I guess I feel like it is a reality that relationships take work. My parents relationship certainly does not come easily. I comfort myself by assuming that
every marriage takes work and if they say otherwise, they're clearly lying and just trying to put on this facade of perfection. Well, maybe that isn't true. Maybe others really do see eye to eye on everything and every single day is a blast. I still have a lot of trouble believing that. I'm not sure how hard it's
supposed to be but I need to remember that I cannot measure the success of my marriage by how others relate with their spouses. In general, I have a hard time with comparing my life to others and often feeling like I am behind. Especially when it comes to things like buying a home and having children.
I'm going to admit to the whole blasted internet (or my six readers) that Matt and I went to marriage counseling while we were caring for his grandmother. Our marriage survived because of that counseling. I think we could probably use another round now that we are trying to figure out who we are after allowing our roles as caretakers to define us for so long. Should a relationship take this much work? I don't know the answer to that. I worry sometimes that love isn't necessarily enough but I do know that Matt and I value our marriage enough to put everything we have into making it work.
I have no choice but to believe that every person and every marriage faces challenges. All I can do is make an effort in all that I do and hope for the best.
